Archives, eh
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# The ideal use for That Music
SCENE: Attractive, slim natural blonde women dressed in white suit opens a metal-clad door and enters a white room. She turns on the lights and starts to go about her morning. The camera tracks her as she walks through rooms allowing us to we identify the building as a laboratory. White walls and strong overhead lighting washes out colour leaving the woman’s lipstick as the only contrasting shade. We can hear music, laa laa la laaaaah, playing by a building wide sound system, assesed and chosen by a commitee of clinical psychologists to ensure peaceful serenity and productivity in the workplace. Woman goes into kitchenette and makes coffee. Shot of her, taking her first sip and she visibly reacts, a sense that all is well again now that caffeine is surging through her system.
The woman turns around and a 7 and a half foot tall werewolf, standing bipedally because it is in its hybrid form, lashes out and rips her throat open. Crimson blood splashes across the cupboards. Her mouth opens to scream, but no sound comes out because the initial attack has torn out her windpipe. The werewold makes no sound, but knocks her to the floor and rips her abdomen open. Purple, glistening tubes spill out and the werewolf proceeds to eat them. The camera watches the werewolf feed and then shifts to her face. Zoom in to extreme closeup on her eyes, still very much alive and screaming in silent agony. Music plays as scene fades to black.
Studio. Lights rise to reveal Hans, dressed in black turtleneck and sitting on tall wooden stool. Hans stands moves to a table with several brightly coloured boxes featuring a cartoonish werewolf on the front with a bowl and spoon in hand. Hans takes a drag from his cigarette.
Hans: Entrails. It is what is for breakfast, ja?
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# The opposite of a frontal lobotomy
laa laa la laaah, laa la la laaah
D has a game. One of those fun yet mindless games you download from the interwebs and get an hour of free play before you are forced to scour the earth for a crack. You are prepared to have a brother hiding in a bowl of rice in Indochina to crack this game because the game is the functional equivalent of crack.
Believe me, I know this to be true, an irrefutable fact. I have watched D play this game. Teddy Bear Factory, or something similar – you construct teddy bears at any rate.
You have quests, or numbers of Teddy Bears to construct which might as well be “Kill me 7 Gore Tusks and bring me back their livers”. Which now that I think about it is fucking creepy. All those thirteen year old kids out there forcing Tron to dig through pig guts. And apparantly not all boars have livers – pity the ones that don’t and can’t have a cold one to relax while the server is down for maintenence, and while I am thinking of that, what fucking genius decided to time the scheduled downtime on a server aimed at Australian gamers for Prime Time in Australia – tell me that game isn’t aimed at teenagers, neh.
Anyway, you also level up in this game, except it is real leveling up, like in the old days of AD&D(Advanced Dungeons & Dragons) – yeah, that’s right, when it was Advanced, not Fisher Price, the new versions might as well be called D&D XP – so you don’t have numbers, you have titles. Ahh, memories. It was great leveling up and no longer being a Footpad.
However.
It has music.
Or rather, muzak. It goes #laa laa la laaaah. Incessantly. It is like living in an elevator. Or a shopping centre. I am seeing myself going triple shotgun murder anytime now and humming #laa la la laaaah all the while.
laa la la laa laaaaaah.
