avocadia

Archives, eh

• # No, apparently you *can* make this shit up

  According to the statement released by the Vatican’s Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith Feb. 29, a baptism administered “in the name of the Creator, and of the Redeemer and of the Sanctifier” or formulas that do not say “in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit” is not a baptism at all. If the baptism is invalid, so are the other sacraments the person may have received, such as matrimony.

  “If you are not validly baptized,” and thus not validly married, “a person needs to get rebaptized and remarried,” explained Father Weinandy.

  However, unless a witness at the baptism knows that an incorrect formula was used, “it is assumed they used the right formula,” he said. “The presumption is the obvious truth that the baptism is valid.”

  Catholic News

  ∗snigger∗

  ∗snigger∗

  The implication here is clear, I believe. God – allegedly omniscient, by the way – cares very much about the exact noises the priest emitted – as opposed to sentiment – and if they aren’t right, even if they are analogous of the right noises, well you’re destined for Limbo.

  What? Oh right, God changed His mind a few years ago, didn’t He? Despite a centuries old policy of three Afterlives, Limbo wasn’t really working out on a PR level ⁱ so he dropped it; there were unconfirmed reports that it was re-zoned to provide space for the rapid and massive expansion of the Seventy Virgins Estates since so many Muslims were taking Him up on His Die and Get a Brothel offer.

  Ah, no. Further research reveals that Limbo has not in fact been retconned; merely that the Infants section has been marked with a great big Citation Needed. You can continue to send your stillborns here but we may yet be giving them an automatic upgrade to Saved at some point in the future. At your expense. You have been warned.

  Anyway, so allegedly He cares about the sound waves formed by the particular arrangements of mouth, lips and tongue formed by the priest at the baptismal ceremony, and He is already established as caring whether or not you are baptised, because you can’t be Saved unless you are ⁱⁱ but apparantly not enough to actually check out the baptisms. No no, for that He outsources the responsibility to Uncle Fred. If Uncle Fred says it was all right, you too can get in to play quoits and learn the harp and watch in envy as the Zeusists have lots of very weird sex involving transformations into sundry livestock and coloured liquids.

  Welcome to the Holy Roman Catholic Church Of Making This Shit Up As We Go ^vi.

  ---

  ⁱ All those babies who die before they get a chance to be baptised was a nightmare for the Heavenly Spokesman, Metatron.

  ⁱⁱ Unless you are a itty bitty dead baby, and said policy still being debated by the Salvation Department, in consultation with Legals and Marketing ⁱⁱⁱ.

  ⁱⁱⁱ Or, I understand, married to a Catholic. I gather Jesus called on the ol’ burning bush^iv one day early in Operation Sell Out ^v and let them know that if Roman husbands would get into heaven if they wife was a Christian, thus facilitating the conversion of the women in an early example of customer segmentation and a member-make-member direct marketing program.

  ^iv i.e. copius amounts of mind-altering drugs. mmm, a legal system based on an ancient Israelite acid trip.

  ^v When the early Christians retconned the whole thing and Greekified it to facilitate whoring their cult to the Greater Inter-Mediterranean Polity (GIMP), particularly the Romans who were getting bored with the old shit and needed some new bullshit because this was the days before the internet and The Biggest Loser and Britney Spears.

  ^vi A subdivision of Bad Robot Productions.

  • gilmae
  • 04/03/2008
  •  3 followups

• # A series of predictable jokes

  Gary Gygax died in his home.

  When Gary Gygax died,
  Real Men: Proposed that he be buried with his weapons and dice, and then fought to be the one to be sacrificed to accompany him to Valhalla.
  Real Roleplayers: Went out into the woods and dance naked around a fire, vanishing if anyone should intrude.
  Real Loonys: Rolled d20 to gauge their reaction.
  Munchkins: Wondered what death is.

  • I am <rolls d20> sad to hear it.
  • He failed his Saving Throw vs Death
  • All we need is a holy symbol, some holy water and a 16th level Cleric and we’re back in the game
  • He found the rollercoaster back home.
  • On the other hand, 15% chance of any 4 magic items plus 1 potion and 1 scroll <rolls dice> woo hoo, Sword +1 Flametounge. That’s +3 against D and her feet at night!

  I don’t think I ever really imbided from the cup of Gygax worship like some of the participants in various threads about the interwebs ⁱ. I think I always thought he was a bit of a kook albeit one who taught me interesting words like ‘albeit’.

  Fact: Gary Gygax has used the word “albeit” so frequently that it has become a sentient, independent life form. “Albeit” has copyrighted itself and you must pay it a royalty to use it in commercial writing. And it’s all because of Gary.

  D&D provided me with a better outlet for my imagination than I had previously had; if not for D&D I might have ended up actually following through with some of my original life plans, and that’d just suck. shudder Bachelor of Arts majoring in Ancient History. With badges in fries, patties and front counter. With D&D I could vent all that wonder into a hobby and get on with more productive things like, what happens if I poke this value into that memory location? Oh. I guess I shouldn’t have done that.

  All the best memories of my teenage years are in some way or another related to D&D. We had fun, we rolled dice, we stayed up all night drinking quantities of coke that verged on diabetic. We passed bastard notes to the DM detailing the nature of our current fraternal treacheries.

  Gary Gygax only ever wrote one bastard note. It was later published as the ‘Tomb of Horrors’.

  So vale, Gary. You were the seed of a million silly names and a vast wasteland of very bad fiction, but I forgive you for it.

  ---

  ⁱ D&D geeks all over the web, who knew?

  • gilmae
  • 04/03/2008
  •  0 followups

• # Gamwich teaches a lesson

  The kid was standing, feet planted about shoulder width, a few yards before a menacing tree, his hand lingering at his hip. He maintained eye contact with a knot at roughly head height, wary for any sudden moves on the part of the vegetation in the fading dusk. A little finger twitched in anticipation of the imminent burst of activity.

  “You’re doing it wrong,” Gamwich said. He had been trying not to look while he chopped bacon for dinner; knives, fingers and inattentive eyes are not a happy mix.

  The kid snapped and drew. He was fast for a mooncalf fresh from the farm; it seemed a bit languorous to Gamwich. “Felt right to me,” the kid said.

  “No, your stance is all wrong. Try it like this.”

  The kid turned and blinked at the intrusion of firelight.

  “I can’t see you.”

  “How about if I stand over here?” Gamwich’s voice came from the other side of the fire pit. The kid turned and squinted through the firelight. There was a shape behind the fire. He took a step forward.

  “The light is in my eyes, can you move around to your right.”

  “All right.” The shape didn’t move at all, as far as the kid could tell, but that was all right; he could make out the figure a little better as he moved around the fire. He could see Gamwich’s legs were together and his arms held away from his body and in the air…

  Something drove into his kidney and then a heartbeat later he was on the ground, his knee aching from a kick.

  “While you’re posing for the guy you fancy you might fight, his mate is coming to stab you in the back. You are doing it wrong.”

  That’s the last of the ones I am prepared to repost. There were a couple of others but meh. There were half a dozen others that I gave up on because I just couldn’t get them below 500 words.

  For the record, in my head this is in the same game world as all the previous stories posted, but not the same narrator and almost completely unconnected. The voices in my head that have been around for a few years may recall that Gamwich was in another piece of fiction I dumped in here.

  • gilmae
  • 04/03/2008
  •  0 followups
  • • flashfic

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353 days since 04/12/2007