Archives, eh
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# Today, we are all stateless
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# Here come the drums
Under performing pace bowlers ; an unexpected short format tournament loss ; English fans, previously maximally pessimistic, now sneeringly gloaty and quietly hopeful.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
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# A couple of days ago, we were all Australian
Sports. Yeah.
Disappointed with the last Test in India. I can’t stand Peter Roebuck, but I begrudgingly agree with him; Ponting blinked and didn’t push the advantage Krezya had somehow managed to engineer for him. Was he mindful of a personal suspension because of the slow over rates? Ehhh; I don’t know. I am mystified by the last session of India’s second innings though.
On the other hand, Australia vs New Zealand. The first Australia vs New Zealand, in Hong Kong, made me query the multiverse in general and William in particular why Australia was even allowed to play rugby. Watching the All Blacks wink and reveal that they’ve been in third gear all along is starting to get really really depressing. I didn’t get to see the test in Twickenham – and yes, I do just like to see them lose – which I regret beyond the telling given that by all reports we beat them by beating their scrum. And by kicking a lot of penalties. So we showed them how to play like an English team. Hah!
It is raining in Brisbane. Hope it stops tomorrow because the First Test against New Zealand starts at the Gabba on Thursday. We’ve already played one game la mode Anglais and that had the charm of laughing at them while doing it. What, we’re going to laugh at the English while we play The Shire? Doesn’t seem much point, really.
Um…yeah, that about wraps up the games between Australia and New Zealand. I mean, assuming there’s no netball games on at the moment.
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# He just likes to see us lose
est Indies have begun their second-innings chase of 287 after bowling Australia out for 167 who, at one point, were 18 for 5. 5 for 18, 18 for 5 – go on, say it. It’s immense fun.
Tomorrow, you might all be West Indian.
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# Just go
If the choice is to tour Zimbabwe or hand over $2.5 million to Robert Mugabe via the Zimbabwe cricket board, well…tour.
What is this tripe about giving Mugabe a propaganda victory anyway? The man is an international pariah to anyone and everyone whose opinion Australia actually gives two shits about. A cricket tour is going to make everyone forget that John Howard presided over the suspension of Zimbabwe’s Commonwealth of Nations membership? I hardly think so.
If Dolly is so concerned put on a bunch of black armbands and refuse to allow Mugabe anywhere near the Australian players. If we can still play football games against Iran, surely we can tour Zimbabwe. If we are prepared to go to a country – whose leaders make Mugabe look like a rank amateur – next year just so we can win some women’s swimming medals, surely we can tour Zimbabwe.
Update: Apparently, not even Robert Mugabe agrees with me – he would except that would mean he has to own up to being a bloody-handed tyrant. On the upside, this means the ICC now has even less credibility and influence than the IOC. On the downside, the IOC has credibility and influence.
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# And then there were two
I flew down to Melbourne today to have meetings with my manager and project leaders. Yes, my manager is in an office some hour’s flight away, which is largely meaningless anyway since he can call or email me, but it does leave me in peace and quiet on a day to day basis.
It was a reasonably early flight – 8:15 is about as early as I want to be checking in – so most people there hadn’t seen the news yet. So when one of the bland morning info-borement shows started showing footage of the Australian cricket team gently cruising into a finals birth against some hapless minnows, suddenly a flock of menfolk perked up and gathered around the cathrode ray tube to suckle, like piglets bothering the sow.
It was best when some young shark-in-a-suit nudged his companion and said “What do the South African cricket team, Greg Norman and Mama Cass have in common? She didn’t actually choke.”
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# I just like to see them lose
Today, we are all South African.
Mind you, in the last few weeks we have all been spiritual members of so many nationalities for a day, that should the occasion arrive it is conceivable that, just for a day, we would all be your-nanna-and-her-handbag.
Except, to my mild regret – it is only one-day cricket after all – it has been some time since we were all Australians. Not since that meaningless competition in South East Asia just before England came over and did their Isaac impression to Australia’s Abraham. Pity someone forgot to be Gabriel, eh.
Still, give them their due. They did defeat Australia in the finals of the one-day series held after the Ashes. Particular credit should be given since until the finals they had been in a fierce battle with New Zealand, each team striving mightily to be the one to grab third place.
Interestingly enough, Australia then traveled to New Zealand and convincingly lost a one day series to the Black Caps as well. They’re a very good side these days and should have been just as devastated to loss out to England as the Australian team was.
There’s a saying that form is temporary, class is forever. In the period since Australia lost the Ashes, England have had flickers of brilliance but mostly been dire – you could almost say that England either loses or plays a team that is in receipt of Indian bookie money.
Still, there’s only one game that matters in the World Cup; or perhaps the better way to describe it is that the individual games are meaningless, it is the path to the finals that matters. Every other game is just a step on the path to getting to the final. A competition like the World Cup is better viewed as a single game played out over a long period with many breaks; as a strategic endeavour similar to Test cricket.
With that in mind, the critics of Sri Lanka should pull their head in. It isn’t the responsibility of Sri Lanka to provide Australia with testing opposition, it’s not even their responsibility to provide sparkling entertainment to the crowd – although I’m sure the crowd would appreciate it. It is the responsibility of the Sri Lankan team to get to the final game, and then to win the final game. Once they had tied up a semi-final slot they had done everything they could do to that point to achieve the first. Resting their strike bowlers was the right thing to do, it was the strategic thing to do. Better to not to overplay them and keep them fresh and uninjured for the matches that matter.
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# Only as good as your last non-game
Q. What’s the difference between an Australian bowler and a rubber tyre? A. A rubber tyre rises to the pressure.
Q. What’s the difference between an Aussie bowler and a pack of Immodium? A. A pack of Immodium can stop the runs.
Q. What’s the difference between an Aussie bowler and a boiling egg? A. Some eggs don’t crack even under pressure.
Still, in the real cricket, the Australian bowlers consistently tore apart a fake team.
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# Oh noes!
So, I am give to understanding that England won the one-day series last night. I didn’t see it – or indeed, any of the one-day series – I was watching repeats of Lost. Still, allow me to get in on the act of congratulating England. Congratulations, England, on successfully winning the consolation prize. I hope it makes up for being the equal-worst English Test Cricket team evah!!!!1oneone
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# Lies. Damn, funny lies!
For those of you who felt so bereft of my cruel Australian “wit” at the plight of the English “cricket team”, allow me to present the kind of post-hoc flailing that only statistics can offer.
So many differences separate the previous worst result for England 86 years ago and the latest one that we must itemise them:
- In 1920, it took Australia six days to win the third Test because the match was of unlimited duration. Had the teams been playing five-day Tests, the series result would have been 4-0 to Australia, with one honourable draw.
- Australia won the five Tests in 1920-21 in just under 21 days’ play. The 2006-07 team was quicker – 19 days and one session. England was thus dispatched more than a full day’s play faster than in the previous whitewash.
- The 1920-21 England vincibles did not have to then immediately endure three more defeats in one-day internationals. Until England finally won a match last Friday, the Australians of 2006-07 had defeated England 8-0 in 22 days, almost the same time it took the 1920-21 Australians to defeat England 5-0.
- The failure of the England bowlers was greater this time. In 1920-21, England bowled Australia out seven times and took a total of 73 wickets. In 2006-07, Australia was all out just four times, losing only 59 wickets in five Tests. In effect, Australia won each Test with an average of eight wickets to spare.
- England’s batsmen fared worse this time than in 1920-21, when England faced 940 overs and scored 2779 runs, an average innings of 280. This summer, England lasted 873 overs and scored 2582 runs, an average of 253.
Speaking of English underachievers, I hear Wilkinson is back and played rather well with the able assistance of the scrum half and the video ref. Still, Ireland to win the Six Nations and probably the World Cup – I suppsoe – after the traditional New Zealand implosion.
